Happy soggy Tuesday. I hope all is well in your neck of the woods. It appears that autumn has settled in rather nicely around us. A lovely fall storm blew through yesterday, gusty winds, lots of rain – a delicious dark and stormy night. It’s rather difficult to wrap my brain around it already being the end of October. I couldn’t be happier that it is almost November – close to Thanksgiving & Christmas. It’s a bit bitter sweet really, I do love the family time, but not living the life I thought I was going to be in my late 40’s still slaps me in the face like a dead fish.
Each year at this time I find myself mourning the life I thought I would have, but also celebrating the amazing life I do have. I thought there would always be the big holiday parties, the traditions, surrounded by happiness. Then it dawns on me – that really wasn’t my life before….it’s funny as humans we build up these ideas of what we thought life was like – instead of what it was really like. It’s difficult to put into words what life was like before – being lonely without being alone – something I don’t need to drone on about and complain about – beating a dead horse over and over again – it’s time – I just need to lay the poor thing out to pasture – but honestly – it’s not easy. There is no time line to be finished with mourning the loss of anything (a parent, a marriage, a child, a job), the process takes as much time as it takes. I remember closing up the holiday season last year with a sigh of relief, because it’s so heartbreaking to see my kids have to decide which house to go to for the holidays, which one to be loyal to, which one demands more….had I not left, they wouldn’t have to be making these choices. I’m not sure I would have survived had I not left, so here we are…..
If anyone were to ask me for advice — I would certainly say — think hard before you break it off, think long and hard about what life will look like after. I often time refer to my divorce “it was the worst of times, it was the best of times”. I’ve never understood that more so than going through the divorce. It’s been five years since I’ve left my marriage of 23 years. Joe and I have been married for three. I’ve never felt more loved, more supported, more accepted, as free to be me, more understood than I have been in my life. Things really could not have turned out any better than they did, but that doesn’t change the fact that my family traditions are no longer, but we are slowly making our own.
I’ve mentioned before that growing can be uncomfortable and painful, but there is a payoff in the end. Both my grandmotherss are gone, they both went through divorces, I sure wish they were here to chat with about all of this. One of them went through three divorces – and still managed to get up and out of bed every day – I can’t imagine her heart being in pieces. In the end her life was taken by her third husband – the man she left to begin a life of her own for the very first time ever – he couldn’t stand the idea of someone else being with her. It’s a burden her children have to carry around – their mother being taken in such a horrific way. A very real reminder that anything can happen in a blink of an eye.
I really didn’t intend to sit down and write such a dark post today. There are times when things get dark around here, but I know the light will come back, everything will be ok. I hope wherever you are, in the light or in the dark – that you will always know that things will change – good and bad – things ebb and flow – sometimes that is super difficult to remember in the middle of a dark time. Don’t despair, it will get better, if it’s taking longer than you expected – don’t hesitate to reach out and talk to someone. Monsters only live in the dark – drag them out & expose them to light – add me to the list of people you can reach out to if things get messy and dark. Until next time my friends – hugs to you!