Greetings on this lovely Monday!  It’s warmed up to a balmy 53 degrees on Friday, and we’ve had some sort of glowing orb that’s been peeking through the clouds all weekend with a bit of blue involved!  It’s been lovely! 

This entire post is about my mom….nothing garden related. But I think that it’s important to sort, and important to put the information out there for other’s that may be currently, have had in the past or might be later taking care of their aging parent – or if you have someone in your life who is taking care of a parent that maybe you could be helping out…..

I’d like to take a moment to reflect on something…and I want to sort it out…and address this to anyone that might be dealing with an aging parent. 

When I mean aging, I don’t mean the usual forgetfulness, the moodiness, the things that normally come with age, I’m referring to taking on the care of another adult person.  I’m not sure how it happened, or what I was thinking, or how a person ends up being the way I am….but fully reflecting on what’s currently happening with mom has been a bit mind boggling.

In 2017 it became apparent that mom wasn’t following through with her appointments, she was “tripping”, she was out of sorts, things were just off.  Each time I would ask questions about her doctors’ appointments, the answers were vague, things were off and the family was getting worried. 

I decided to go to one of her appointments with her.  It was apparent that the doctor was a jerk, and really didn’t take time to sit down and look mom in the eyes to really listen to her. 

Over the course of the last 7 years, I’ve fought with insurance, I’ve argued with doctors, I’ve reported a doctor to their supervisor, answered at least 56 early am phone calls for falls or a concern, we’ve spent multiple days in the hospital, I’ve gone to countless doctors’ appointments sometimes for no reason at all. 

At first the care was at arm’s length, stopping in to check on this or that, go to the occasional appointment, chat on the phone several times a week.  As time progressed the care needs increased.  The needs became so great that we had to bring in hired help, but I was still attending to things on a daily basis, it was taking a team of four people to meet the needs.   

On top of the time and energy with all of this, I also endured some flack.  At times she was downright rude, manipulative, and exhausting.  It certainly was a slog at times.  As my involvement increased the resentment increased.  Nobody likes having to rely on someone else for things, it’s a humbling experience, that not many people take well. 

It certainly wasn’t anything that I’m sure she ever thought would happen in her life, she was at a disadvantage, because her mom was taken from us in her early 60’s, so my mom didn’t have an example of someone who had aged – and goodness knows, we all learn from people, either we learn how to do something or how NOT to do something.  I’ve certainly learned a few things not do to, and a few things to do.

I do not regret the time and energy that I’ve spent taking care of mom.  I know she has a heart of gold, and I know that she can be a lot to handle at times.  She had a rough childhood, I can give her the grace of that.  I know the importance of grandchildren, and of grandparents.  I’ve made a huge effort to be sure that they know each other and are part of each other’s lives. 

I also know full well, that some people take on much, much more responsibility with their parents than I am with mom.  I could quit my job and take her into my home, I could give up time with my husband and take care of my mom.  I could devote every last bit of myself to taking care of her, but then what would be left of me for my grandchildren or my kids.  How much resentment would that put into me, that my two sisters didn’t lift a finger to help with any of it?    I’ve heard people say “Well parents took care of us while we needed help with things”.  Yes, that is true, but we were babies, we didn’t’ have personalities, we were tiny, and for the most part we grew up and moved out. It takes a certain type of person to be able to take their parent in.  I’m part of a group on Facebook for people who are taking care of aging parents, and boy are there some sad stories in there.  But, what it comes down to is this – you have to do what is right for you and your parent.  If you can’t do it, and survive, then don’t do it.  There has to be something left of your life and your brain and your spirit when your parent leaves this world. 

As I’m looking back at the mountain I have climbed and the bridge before me, I am trying to sort out why….

Why did I go to the doctor’s with her in the first place? Why did I argue with the doctor about her care? Why did I report the doctor that was 45 minutes late to his appointment, for the third time in two months? Why did I interview five people to be her caregiver? Why did I program my phone to accept her calls after 9 pm? Why did I go pick her up for events at my house? And so many more things….

Why….?  Because she’s my mom, because I love her, because she’s a human, and every human wants to feel love, and be loved.  I’m not sure how I was programmed to make this a priority over other things, I’m not sure why other people do not feel it is a priority.  Because I am not one to make excuses, because I know life is short, I know life is not about money, I know when all is said and done, I did my best to make sure she was safe and taken care of.  My watch certainly is far from over, but having her in a care facility, is such a huge load off my shoulders. There will be more mountains to climb, but for now….let’s cross the bridge….

It’s almost like I’ve come out on the other side of a tunnel – with this whole different view. Her happiness and wellbeing are no longer my sole responsibility.  Honestly, they never were, but I just didn’t know it.  I’m still trying to sort out why I felt that way, not just for her, but also for other people in my life.  I don’t know where it came from, I have no idea how it happened, but here I am….trying to figure out how to put it down. 

Thanks for the stopping by today!  Hope you have a wonderful week.