Happy Thursday! I hope all is well in your corner of this crazy world! I’ve found myself taking some extra slow days, and just giving myself some Grace the last week.
Our 20 year old kitty passed away on Sunday, she was out sunning herself on the patio and just expired. I could tell she wasn’t doing well for the last couple of days. Thankfully I snapped a picture of her Friday morning prior, thinking to myself this might very well be her last. She’s been part of the family since my daughter was in preschool….the cat has moved with us several times, seen lots of family changes and has been a very loyal loving cat. She came to live at the farm about a year ago to live out her last years in peace and comfort. My daughter wasn’t able to keep her because her and her boyfriend bought a house and have two rambunctious dogs, so, off to grandmas house…40 acres, two people who would take care of her and love her…of course she loved it here!
There were several times we would find her half way down the driveway wandering off to who knows where, sometimes she would follow us on our walks, we’d have to turn back and take her back home and put her in the safety of her kennel in the garage.
I asked my daughter a few months ago what she would like to have done with the body if the occasion ever came up that the cat actually died. She requested she have her to bury at the new house. Well, of course, as luck would have it, the cat wasn’t doing well – and of course my daughter was leaving on her first real vacation as an adult…and I had to ask about the cat. If the cat actually died while she was away, where exactly would she like us to put the cat. She started crying, I had spent the morning crying because I knew it was getting close….she avoided the question for a bit, but then finally said between the cherry trees in the front yard. My daughter left on Saturday morning….the cat expired on Sunday morning – thank goodness I had broached the difficult question, we had a plan – and we carried it out.
Joe dug a very deep hole, I cried, we wrapped Tigger in a blanket from my daughter’s childhood, and he lowered her into the hole, covered her up with some dirt and rocks to be sure no other animals would dig her up. We planted some Tiger Lilys and some lavender plants on each side. The next morning at 2 a.m. I ordered a headstone from Amazon, it arrived the following day at 5 p.m. – super quick! So, just like that, the cat is buried, marked and things are going to be okay. The cycle of life is sometimes super difficult to handle. I’ve never had a cat just die – it usually disappears, or they get so ill that they have to be put down at the vets office, not Tigger….she hobbled around like Captain Hook, had a leaky eye, was skin and bones but ate like a horse, and according to the vet was healthy – just old. She wasn’t in pain, she loved to be held and snuggled. She will be greatly missed.
Sunday night I harvested flowers for my Monday’s deliveries. It was warm, I was hot and sweaty, I was stressed out about all the things that had fallen over, all the weeds….it was overwhelming and I wasn’t having fun.
One our walk that night I expressed my frustration to Joe – once again he said – it’s supposed to be fun, if you aren’t having fun, we shouldn’t be doing it anymore.
That night I laid awake thinking about “fun” and analyzing why I wasn’t having fun…what was supposed to be fun about planting seeds in the middle of winter in the freezing milk house….caring for them…putting them in the ground…weeding the rows….watering them…caring for them…only to have them blow over in the wind, get beat down by the rains, have them too short to use in market bouquets…
The next morning I went out to put together the bouquets….and it occurred to me…this is what I’m supposed to be enjoying. Mixing the colors, textures, and heights of the blooms to make something for people to display in their homes. This was where the magic was supposed to all pay off – this is where I was supposed to be having fun.
I’m always so busy trying to make deadlines, trying to be sure to make the mark….so I stopped…I slowed down….the deliveries could wait…my schedule fell away, and I just played. I gave myself the Grace to just be in the moment, not stress about what was next and where I was supposed to be…just slow down and be in the moment. I didn’t stress about the perfect bouquet, I let things come together, I let the flowers talk to me. It felt really nice to just enjoy that time.
I’ve worked really hard to get here, my mom even expressed to me how she was surprised at how successful I’ve been with my crops, (I won’t read into that one too much) and one of my friends mentioned it was great to see how far I’ve come and she was proud of me. I need to slow down and let that soak in. One thing for certain, is that I’ve come to realize I only need five rows next year and five subscriptions, it will still be hard work, but there will be less pressure on me to produce perfection. The feeling of failure when I see those plants laying down, see the weeds and the time and energy it takes away from my other passions is difficult to process, next year will be better. This year isn’t horrible, this year has been amazing, I look back at my pictures and my crops and I’ve done some really amazing things….but in the middle of it all, I tend to lose site of it – human nature I suppose. Thankfully I have a wonderful, supporting husband that is patient and kind and reminds me of the simple things – It’s supposed to be fun…
Until next time my friends, take it easy, give yourself some Grace, don’t beat yourself up over the small things – and have some fun! Life is short…hugs to you.