Hello to you and good morning. It’s a somber day today, the remembrance of what happened 20 years ago sits with me. Not heavily, but certainly present – certainly thoughts of where I was when I heard the news, I can see it in vivid colors and hear my mom’s voice telling me to turn on the news. I won’t go into detail, everyone has their memories, I highly doubt there’s an adult that doesn’t remember that exact moment.

I reflect back on how the entire country rallied together that day, donating blood, being kind to strangers, people traveling across the miles to go help in anyway they could. I’m saddened by the division in this country, I’m amazed we can be so hateful towards each other after everything we’ve been through.

I finally had my moment with my doctor. She was adamant about the importance of the vaccine, of course she was, she’s a doctor, that’s their job. It was more emotional than I thought it would be. I started crying as soon as I asked the question – “what does my vaccine do for other people”. Of course the expected answer came out “keeps other people from getting the virus” “keeps you out of the ER & off a ventilator” “it makes it so you don’t have to be competing for a care over another person because our hospitals are in crisis care mode now, not everyone gets saved”.

She was kind, she was patient while I sat there and cried like an idiot….she answered all my questions, then was off to the next patient.

Apparently my 20 minutes was up. She didn’t offer me a vaccine, she didn’t recommend a particular one…she handed me the usual print out of the importance of getting the vaccine and off she went.

My questions…..her answers….

How did this get approved so quickly? There was a lot of money thrown at this one particular problem. Usually there are different companies all in a race to get the vaccine first – and different countries – nobody sharing their data because they want to be the first to solve the problem. In this case, it’s a world wide issue, so everyone was working together. The trials could be done on a larger bases, 100’s at a time, instead of the usual 10.

Do you think this will ever fully go away? No, but the vaccine makes it so it lessens the effect – and cuts down on the death rate. In a perfect world we could get rid of it, but there’s too many people to vaccinate, and the variants are quicker than we can catch.

I think I have natural immunity, Why isn’t my natural immunity enough? The FDA didn’t approve of the antibody test, so you have to pay for it out of pocket, I think it’s a couple hundred dollars. The vaccine super charges your immunity, and will give you a boost over those that hadn’t had the virus to better fight off the variants.

What about the side affects of the vaccine – blood clots, heart problems and temporary paralysis? Those certainly have happened, but they are such a low incidence, that the good outweighs the bad. Those people who have had issues have had underlying issues to begin with.

Will I be able to see my granddaughter after I get the vaccine? I heard it was a live vaccine and I could infect the baby. No, the vaccine is a dead one, you cannot infect the baby.

My thoughts….

Obviously, it is a terrible virus, I’m not doubting that. Obviously, they had no idea in the beginning how to deal with it, and what to do with the information they thought they had, so there was a lot of misinformation, and a lot of crap going on that never should have happened. It’s been poorly managed. Are the big pharmas making bank on this – absolutely! Does that change the fact that we are standing here today facing this horrible virus that kills people – not at all. Some ding dong idiot played with DNA, played with a virus and released something really shitty into the world, and now here we are fighting with each other as to how to deal with it. Those are completely separate issues that hopefully will be dealt with – but in the mean time, there’s a terrible virus running around that is undoubtedly ruthless and doesn’t care how you feel about what the government has done to stop it or what they haven’t done to chase down and punish those involved. And there’s a vaccine that appears to be working for the moment. Is it fair that we have to inject this chemical into our bodies because of some careless asshole? No, but that doesn’t change the fact the virus is here to stay. It’s here, it’s happened, and now we all have to pay the price – of either getting it, hoping it doesn’t kills us, or get a vaccine that lessens the chances of us dying from it.

This BS about us being in a crisis care state – is a bit far fetched to me – if they had allowed people to keep their jobs that didn’t want the vaccine, in addition to being better prepared. I highly doubt we would be in a crisis care state. In case you don’t know what that means – it means the hospitals are over ran with illness and they cannot keep up with the demand. They say it’s all COVID cases & now they have to decide who gets to live or die because they cannot save everyone. I call mismanagement on their part – but once again, it doesn’t matter – the virus is still standing at the door. There’s no denying that, its here, and here to stay. Getting down to the brass tacks as they say….there’s a virus, there might be a way to make it so you don’t die if you get it or the variants – but it’s a maybe, and a what if, not a promise. Millions of people have gotten the vaccine, some have died because of it – most have lived. Millions of people have gotten the virus – lots have died from it, most have lived. Now in walks Clint Eastwood — “You’ve got to ask yourself one question…do you feel lucky”?

When we got married Joe and I both promised each other we would do our best to take care of ourselves for the other person – yearly physicals, dentist appointments, follow up on any suspicious lumps or pains, eat well, get exercise….things we do for ourselves, but for our partners also. I feel as though if I do not do my part to keep me out of ICU I would be letting him down, but I also feel as though if I give into the hysteria around this virus that’s been mismanaged and not completely understood regarding the natural immunity that I would be giving in to the pressure of the government forcing me to do something that I’m not 100% on board with. But again….here we are….in a shitty spot….because the virus is here…

I wish I could say that I’ve been convinced one way or the other, but I haven’t been.

I wish I could say that even if my job weren’t on the line, I’d get it anyway, but I can’t. Now I need to figure out my motivations. What motivates me not to get it, and what motivates me to get it? What if I get it and lose my job….? If I got the vaccine I could travel, I could go to restaurants (that I never went to anyway)…but I would be doing it alone, because Joe will most likely not get it. I’m not motivated by any of that…. I’m a firm believer that the immune system only gets stronger one way – and that’s by fighting.

Still sorting and figuring things out.

I hope your heart and mind are settled and at peace this weekend. Until next time my friends, – hugs to you!